7.16.2008

B friends (with your Ex)!

A recent picture on my blog inspired this post. But my answer is YES - you can absolutely be friends with your Ex. Just because you never stop caring, desiring for, or loving that person, doesn't mean that 2 adults can't come to a mutual agreement on the terms of a friendship.

DON'T:
  • Become bffs with his new girl - you're out to prove something to yourself, him, and the girl...don't try so hard!
  • Ignore him when you see him in public. If you see him, he sees you. It's reciprocal. Once you start a pattern of not acknowledging each other, it's hard to take it back.
  • Purposely leave away messages on AIM, change your status on Facebook, or blog anything that indicates your bitterness. Even though you want outsiders to pick up on your "subliminal" messages so they can all send bad vibes to your Ex's - it doesn't work that way. You'll only play yourself
  • Bring around a new guy, just to make your Ex jealous. If there isn't any real chemistry, your old flame will know you're just playing games.
  • Pry for details. Trust me.
DO:
  • Mutually decide whether or not you want to become friends. Once that is squared away, don't be afraid to set some guidelines for the friendship
  • Take time apart to process the break-up. If you immediately jump in LC and Lo status, you'll either start sleeping together and/or not feel like the break up ever happened.
  • Call ahead to find out if your Ex is bringing someone to a mutual pal's gathering and/or give him a heads up if you plan to do the same. The first time is tricky, so always be sensitive about the nu-nu.
  • Acknowledge the good and bad times - birthdays, holidays, promotions, passings, lay-offs, etc. If someone was a major part of your life, there's no need to cut off a strong support arm. Embrace it!
  • Eventually be open to meeting the new chick. Who knows how long she'll last, but it's worth putting the face to a name. After all, your Ex is just a friend, right...?

8 comments:

Miss R. said...

Why couldn't you have written this blog 2 months ago?! My boyfriend and I broke up, and we thought we were friends. I broke up with and he let it be known it me that did it. He not only rubbed it in my face, and he started living in the past (regarding us) and he started telling me about the new life he has with his ex-wife, baby momma (he moved back in with her). I ended our friendship because I was confused by him living in the past, yet asking advice in his new relationship. My feelings were hurt due to the confusion he was bringing. The only thing I regret is not setting rules about what would be discussed in the friendship. He is supposed to be just a friend now, but I know it was waaay too soon to call ourself friends.

Carly said...

Just because you never stop caring, desiring for, or loving that person, doesn't mean that 2 adults can't come to a mutual agreement on the terms of a friendship.

I don't get the statement from this opening paragraph, I am just assuming that you mean because you are no longer together does not mean that you can still be friends. or maybe you meant what you typed.

this post seems self serving in the sense that it is just YOU and the EX. But it is also important to not....a breakup occurs because the relationship went south.

The reason why i felt the blog was self serving is dismissive of the fact that you and/or the ex will get another partner and it is important to respective of their relationship despite your friendship. It's cool to be an ex, but check yourself (and your feelings) if a new chick comes around...even if the male is still shooting mixed signals.

You wrote:

Eventually be open to meeting the new chick. Who knows how long she'll last, but it's worth putting the face to a name. After all, your Ex is just a friend, right...?

Who knows how long she'll last. That's really cute. It's a quite presumptious statement is a reason why new girlfriends dont like their partner's relationships with their respective ex's.

The post just perplexed me. you cant be friends with ex's indeed. but i think this post was full of one sided situations. The majority of the "Do"s just sounded like game playing instead of reality. you have to call to say you're bringing somebody? not really.

best advice you could give but didnt was keep it moving....they are ex for a reason.

peace :)

Anonymous said...

I think you should 'B friends' if you let time pass to get over each other. I think it takes time apart to really consider your self friends... The bitterness is normal ..

Anonymous said...

Ex for a reason .. Agreed ! Agreed ! Agreed!!

MAJESTY said...

It's totally fine to be friends with your Ex. But, there are several limitations that should be drawn. For example
-EX's should not speak on the every month
-EX's should not have lunch 2gether
or even visit each other at their homes.

N. Sept said...

I'm gonna go on ahead and co-sign with majesty up there.

There is a fine line, my friends. It's highly inappropriate and disrespectful to your current partner to be:

A: Conversing with your ex-lover on a daily basis.

B: Going out to lunch/dinner/breakfast/brunch/movies with your ex.

C: Visiting each other's homes.

It's easy to look to your ex for affections. You've already been there and done that so not that much work has to be put into it.

vi-luv said...

i agree with the last two writers,majesty and n.sept.the truth of the matter is i jus left a supposed Ex that jus got married and he still wants us to be friends.how on earth is that possible people?he still wants me to come pay him visits and all the hanging out thing,i guess because his wife stays so far away.what can u guys make out of this situation.

N.Sept said...

Vi-Luv,

The most common justification for remaining friends with your ex is sex. Think of it as trying to get a job at an establishment that you've previously worked for. You don't have to go through training, orientation or interviews. It's something you're familiar with, it's something you're comfortable with. I think your ex wants some extra lovin' on the side. Thats the most probable answer, IMO.